Letter to My Aunt

            Just as a bit of a disclaimer going into this – this post is primarily for me and my family, a sort of catharsis. It’s going to be raw, emotional, and honest. I guess the best writing always is. My family is hurting right now. I’m hurting right now. My youngest aunt just passed away.

            I’ve known people who have passed away before. My uncle Robin, my aunt’s husband, died when I was 14. That was the first time I’ve ever experienced death close to me. Although I had just seen him the day before, it didn’t really affect me the way it affected the rest of my family. My uncle and I really hadn’t spent a ton of time together; it was more like I knew of him.

            When my grandmother passed a few years later, it was the same thing but worse. My beautiful grandmother, Mrs. Georgia Colquitt Neal, known affectionately to everyone as “Mama G”, was the rock in my family; she literally held everyone together. I was actually living in her house when she passed. I hadn’t really met her until I was 12 and even then, we never talked much. I was shy and she was sick and usually in her room. One of my greatest regrets is that I never really got to know her. She was a fascinating lady.

            My first year of college, one of my best friend’s stepdad, Chuck, a man who treated me like family and gave me life advice, was violently shot and killed. I wish I’d gotten to know him better, too.

            This time it’s different. As personal as those passings were (I can’t bring myself to use the “d” word), this time it’s way more personal for me. This is my flesh-and-blood aunt, my mother’s little sister. This is a woman who, although I didn’t always get along with, I just as I was writing this realized was like a second mom to me.    

My aunt Teri “Tinka” Neal and I didn’t always get along. That’s just the relationship that we had. She was tougher than any man I know, mean, and quick to curse someone out for any – or no – reason. That’s just the woman she was.

I’m in shock. I can’t even be sad yet – although I know that will come. As I got the phone call this afternoon that my aunt was in the hospital, on life support due to a massive stroke, I had to resist the urge to ask if it was a joke. They wouldn’t joke about something this big, something this life-changing and serious.

I was just with her last week. Not even a week ago – five days ago! Everything was fine. Looking back, I see that she was different those last few days I spent with her. I noticed it then but didn’t ask questions. There was a picture hanging up on the wall of her I’d never seen before, taken back in her younger days when she had one of those coveted hourglass figures. I was stunned. I had never seen her so shapely and beautiful before.

Those last few days, she was… different. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that she treated me like a son. She offered me as much of her Neapolitan ice cream as I wanted, allowed me to turn on her air conditioning for hours at a time (which I knew she didn’t like because it costs more), and explicitly told me, “While you’re here, you can have whatever you want. Don’t be shy.”

During the four days I spent at her house last week, from Sunday to Wednesday, I honestly felt more of a family connection to her than at any other point in my life. I realized it then, I just didn’t realize why. I don’t think anyone could have.

Things were peaceful that week. There was no yelling, no fighting or arguing. It was just Tinka going about her life with her family and friends, doing what she always did. Tinka was being Tinka.

I thought the bad times would come to mind first; our relationship was built on a foundation of more bad times than good. Not necessarily bad towards me – I pretty much tried to stay out of her way until I was out of high school and on my own – but just in seeing her in a bad mood and reacting to it, which I can’t really fault her for – her children and I were always getting into something. But surprisingly, only the good times are coming to mind right now. I can’t help thinking of the time when I was 13 or 14 and was having one of the most massive asthma attacks of my life. I thought I was going to black out any moment. I don’t think she knew exactly what to do but she tried to soothe me. I remember the time I filmed one of my mom’s birthday parties. I remember my aunt getting drunk and dancing next to, on top of, and over people. She was going to have a good time and no one was going to stop her.

I remember her smiling. She was always smiling. As much as she frowned, she smiled. Often she’d be doing an abundance of both within the same hour. And her cooking! Man, could she cook…. Tinka was hands down, after my grandmother passed, the best cook in the family. Her homemade nachos were out of this world. She knew that I loved her cooking and that made her smile.

One thing I can say about my aunt Tinka was that she loved to eat. That may have been where our bond, if you could call it that, was formed. We had a shared love of snacks – ice cream, chips, snack cakes…. If there was nothing else in her refrigerator, I knew there’d be something to satisfy my sweet tooth.

During those days I was with her, I wanted to ask her a question. I wanted to ask her if, since me and all of her children had moved out, if she missed us, if she wanted us back. In high school, I often got the feeling that she was trying to push us out the door. I wanted to ask this question but when I went to ask it, I got interrupted and later forgot. Although she didn’t get a chance to directly answer this question from me, I feel confident that her answer would have been an outright “yes” – she didn’t beat around the bush – or a non-committed “yes and no”. I can smile at that.

I just stepped outside to check the sky. To see if I could see any hint of her in the clouds or feel any indication that the heavens were mourning. The sky is kind of a hazy yellow, not really sunny and not really overcast. The feeling in the air is somewhere between a low humidity and rain. It’s as if the sky is neutral, not really sure how to feel. I can’t really put into words what I mean but that is exactly my aunt Tinka.

            Rest in peace, Aunt Tinka. I honestly love you with all of my heart and I know that you know that. You told me that you know. I am so happy that I got to know you and that my last days with you were filled with happy memories. I never thought I’d see myself typing these words for another 30 or 40 years…. I’m so sorry this happened to you, to our family. You were only 48! Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined you would wake up fine this morning and not be with us this afternoon. I guess there’s a lot we can learn from this….  I wish you could have stuck around to see your beautiful grandchildren grow up. I wish they could have gotten to know the woman who gave them their fiery side. I wish with all of my heart that you could be at my college graduation next year – you yelled so loudly when I graduated high school – but please just know that when I walk across that stage, I am going to do so with you and Mama G in my heart. I know that you were proud of me and I’m going to continue to make you proud. I swear I never thought I’d see this day today. I love you.